Before the "Before" Photos

As I said in my last blog, I have not, nor will I ever be "skinny."  I honestly don't want to be, either.  With this noggin, I would look like a bobble-head doll.  Still, there was a time when I was pretty fit.

See?

That girl in the front, for those of you who don't know, is me, looking like a sassy pinup in one of my band's photos.  Yeah, I was in a band, I was fit--basically I seemed a lot cooler than I do now, at least on paper.

Then this.

A few years later, the picture above was me during my sister's wedding weekend, blaming the photography for how gross I felt I looked.  Kinda wanted to die a little.  It definitely wasn't the photography.  It was my own laziness.  It didn't help that I went through a sad phase where I was lonely and worked three jobs to stay a float.  After that, it didn't help that I had graduated to a "grown-up" job where I sat on my bum all day.  Moving forward, it also didn't help that I had that relationship complacency where you feel like you can eat whatever your fella eats and lay around and not gain an ounce...Well, you can't do that.  And twenty pounds later, you will suddenly realize it and be quite sad.  On the bright side, you may also realize that you have a fella who loves you even when you do put on weight.  That's a nice thing.

I feel completely different this time around trying to lose weight than back in the day when I was singing in a band and just looking all kinds of hot.  Back then, it was a shallow desperation.  I had gone through a bad breakup and needed to be more attractive.  I needed to be wanted.  I constantly obsessed about what I was eating.  I would practically have a panic attack whenever I missed a day at the gym.  I spent hours on treadmills like a crazy little hamster on a wheel.  I needed to be thin and I was never satisfied.  Even at my smallest, I felt like a cow.  Looking at those pictures now, I want to go back in time and punch that girl in the nose.  I would love to look like that again.

The difference today is that even though I know I need to be more fit and healthy, I still like myself.  Of course I have those days when I dramatically exclaim "What have I become?!" and sob a little, but for the most part, I feel good.  I like who I am and though I may not be a model, I feel just adorable sometimes.  Heading into this challenge, my motivation is not that self-loathing or fear that no one will love me if I don't lose weight.  It's the knowledge that I am strong and capable and excuses aren't good enough anymore.  It's the desire to look extra good for my fiance because he deserves my best.  It's the need to be healthier, more energized, and have better skin and hair! haha.

I believe that getting involved in this program is going to be a turning point in my life, bringing growth in discipline, confidence, and inspiration to help other people.  I'm just dying to get started!  Blast you, shipping delays!